Five Years Later

  

Hey Big Dude.

    I've been thinking about this letter for a while now. Whether or not to write it... whether to leave it be or put it out there for the world. I've spent some time going back through all the Love, Bubba posts from 2015 and 2016 - some made me cringe (ahh, to be 22 again), and some were good reminders. You know I talk to you often - in random moments when the lights flicker or when I narrowly escape something that would have made for a very bad day. But I think we're long overdue for a talk.

    It's been five years since you and Seth were taken from us. Five years since our worlds were flipped upside down. And five years for our entire lives to change drastically. Though I know that your passing wasn't in God's plan, I know y'all have done the best you can to make a better path with the damage left behind from your absence. I think you always knew that your life would be cut short. I think you always had a plan in place to protect us once you were gone, often in the form of life lessons or memories. And I 100% think that you have been guiding us since you went to heaven.

    To give you an update on life since you've left - Logan is at A&M (WHOOP!) following in you and Seth's footsteps. Also, I'm pretty sure he could give y'all a run for your money in an arm wrestling match. Farran is a SENIOR (how in the world) and slaying in basketball. Sandy found love again. Nana and PawPaw continue to be the greatest grandparents we could ask for.

    Morgan is following in your volleyball footsteps. She's about to be a FRESHMAN (good lord how is she that old?!) and she continues to play the game y'all love. Last I checked, she's also top ten percent in her class. And, as you can expect, an absolute smartass. She remains to be the greatest gift you ever gave me.

    Mom is at a new job, excelling and making a difference. You know she's always had a servant's heart, and she gets to use it every day. She also continues to be the greatest mom of all time to me and Morgan. She does everything she can to make our dreams happen - from giving me the wedding of my dreams, to her constant love and support, to taking us to DisneyWorld, and everything in between.

    As for me - I can personally say that moving home was the greatest decision I could have made post-accident. Its like all at once, my life is so much more full than it ever was before, but with a big gaping hole where you and Seth were. I met and married my soulmate. He’s pretty neat. We’ve all agreed y’all would have been best friends (cue the gaping hole.) He’s from here too.

    We built a house and put roots down. We plan on staying and starting a family here - a little family that would have called you “Big Dude” instead of something boring, like Grandpa. It kills me that they’ll never know you, just like my husband never will.

    I teach and coach at your alma mater. I tell my kids every year how you were the most proud Wildcat I ever met, and how you made me want to be proud of that too. They know your name. There’s a pencil jar with you and Seth’s faces on it, and whenever they need one, they’re free to take it, as long as they tell you thank you. I nearly cry every time I hear them say “thank you, boys!” These may seem like little things to others, but they make me feel close to you. I’d like to think they’re all things you would be happy for and proud of. 

    But I’d be lying if I said that everything has been easy. In fact, a LOT of it brings me right back to your fertilizer advice - "when the shit hits the fan, use it as fertilizer." Turns out, that's been hard advice to follow this year. Where 7/22/15 was the worst DAY on record, I feel like 2020 as a whole has been the worst YEAR on record. I'm really hoping that you're pulling some strings with the big man upstairs to turn that around before we hit 2021.

    We miss y'all terribly. Life just hasn't been the same since you left. Quite frankly, this still sucks. We wish every day that this wasn’t our reality, but we make the best of it. We just wish you were here. See you again, someday. 

    Love, Bubba

One Year Later

            It's hard to believe it's been a year since we lost you and Seth. That day still seems like a bad nightmare I just haven't woken up from. There are no words to describe the horror of that day... the following week... and every holiday or special occasion since then.

            Every holiday is a funeral all over again. An empty seat at the table. A reminder that you're gone. Even the happiest of days have a gray cloud over them when we think of you not being there. Certain songs, even ones that have nothing to do with you, send us into hysterics. People talk nonchalantly, having no idea that the common phrase they just used or the casual mention of some random event just sent us spiraling into a world of torture.

            But one thing I do know - we made it this far. We can make it till we join you in heaven.

"There is one thing that God says to all of His believers, regardless of their circumstances. TRUST ME."

            That being said, this will be my last "Love, Bubba" lesson. Feeling like I'm talking to you through my posts has been beyond therapeutic this last year. But it's time that I begin the process of moving on and living life more normally. I know that's what you want, and I know I can talk to you anytime I want, without having to write to you here. I'm not done learning the lessons you've left behind. But it's time that I go out and work harder to put them into action.
            But that doesn't mean I'm done posting on "Love, Bubba". I'll only post memories of you and updates on how we're dealing. And I want everyone that was fortunate enough to have known you to start sharing their stories too. They can be funny... sentimental... or maybe something they wish they'd told you. From now on... "Love, Bubba" is for everyone.
            I hope one day that a collection of these lessons, stories, and updates makes it into a book. That's my next "Love, Bubba" goal. Sharing your story with the world, and showing them that you can turn your biggest tragedy into something that helps others.
            Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my letters the last year. Your support means the world to me. I couldn't get through this without all of y'all. And the biggest thank you to Travis for being apart of our lives. We are better having known you, and blessed to have heard you say "love you bubba".

            We miss you so much.

            Love, Bubba

Lesson 44: I'm Good Enough

            Growing up, I dealt with a lot of self-worth issues. Things weren't easy when I was a kid - we struggled a lot with a lot of different things. I don't feel the need to get into the issues themselves, since you already know them, but I will say this - they were things that make it hard to believe you're worth it.

            Still, one of the greatest lessons you ever taught me was that I'm good enough. I'm good enough because I say so. I'm good enough because my family and friends say I am. I'm good enough because I have a God who says so.

“And are five sparrows not worth two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, every hair on your head is numbered. Fear not, you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Luke 12:6-7

            Thank you for being apart of the journey to believing I'm good enough.

            Love, Bubba

Lesson 43: Be Kind

       Being kind tends to be a difficult thing for people to do these days. More often, we hear of people who were rude, mean, and hateful than we hear of people being kind. But you and Seth were the exception.

       When you and Mom met, I doubt that you knew that you would soon be taking on the role of stepfather to an 8-year-old girl. Yet, you did. You took me in like I was the daughter you did not yet have (Mo wasn't born for another 5 years, if you recall), and you always treated me with kindness. I grew up knowing I was loved by a stepdad who had no obligation to love me or treat me like his own.

“Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy to the body.”

Proverbs 16:24

       We had our ups and downs. We argued like any stepfather/stepdaughter duo. I got in trouble for being a brat, and you had to ground me. I challenged your rules and gave you attitude. Still, I always knew that you loved me, and you were ALWAYS kind.

       Love, Bubba

Lesson 42: Be Humble

       Big Dude, you were good at a lot of things. A jack of all trades if you will. You could pick up any sport you tried, you were funny, you were a hard worker, you were smart, you were a good father, husband, and friend... yet you were humble.

“Always be humble and gentle, be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults, because of your love.”

Ephesians 4:2

       You never bragged about how great you were - sure, you joked about it. You were a funny man, of course you did. But you never rubbed it in people's faces that you were so awesome. You didn't fail to teach Morgan and I that either... even if we do brag about ourselves time to time.

       We're working on that.

        Love, Bubba

Lesson 41: Be Honorable

       Honor sounds like such an antiquated term. It reminds me of Mulan, and concept of bringing honor to your family through battle or heroism. But that's not all there is to honor.

       Honor is defined as multiple things - to regard with high respect or esteem, or privilege. You and Seth were honorable. You never heard people say "Oh, those Suggs boys. They sure are trouble. They're dishonorable." You were the kind of men people were proud to say they knew. That's honor.

“The wicked flee, though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.”

Proverbs 28:1

       You taught everyone around you, Morgan and myself especially, that being an honorable person is important. And we won't forget that.
Love, Bubba

Lesson 40: Be Funny

To say you were funny would be an understatement. I can’t count the number of times you had us rolling on the floor laughing because of some joke, or a silly voice, or because you were teasing mom. You were the comic relief in the house.

“In His presence, there is fullness of joy.”

Psalm 16:11

            What’s funny is, I knew that you weren’t always happy. I knew things got you down, and that life wasn’t always a ray of sunshine. But you were the kind of person that didn’t show it. You stayed positive and hilarious as ever.

            You taught me that even when things get me down, I have to laugh at the situation and laugh at myself. Laughter makes things just a little bit better.

            Love, Bubba