Lesson 29: There Isn't Always An Answer

       This post has been on my mind since Saturday, and yet somehow I'm still struggling with the words. Love, Bubba has been a source for me to vent since September, and I'm not sure I'd be able to keep my cool if I weren't able to. Still, the thing that is weighing heavily on my mind, demanding me to write about it before it eats me alive, is hard to put into words.
       The accident was hard on anyone who knew and loved you, Big Dude. Learning how to live since you've been gone has been a daily struggle. Just when things seem normal, there's something that reminds us of the gaping hole left in your absence. Birthdays, events, holidays... And this weekend was no different.
       I've made it a point to be very forthcoming with others these last few months. If I need to tell someone something, I do my best to tell them ASAP - "I love you", "I miss you", "you mean the world to me"... I don't want to have a single doubt in my mind that those I care about know how much they mean to me. However, this also means that when someone does me wrong - truly wrong - I find no problem removing their negative presence from my life until they can make a positive change.
      This weekend, I encountered a person who has become a negative presence in my life since you left. For their sake, I won't use their name and throw them under the bus, but suffice it to say that they have done nothing but brought grief into life recently. Someone I would formerly consider a confidant, a person to tell my every day happenings to, and one of my best friends, shut me out cold. Someone that I expected to help me get through losing you... was nowhere to be found.

       Rather than be confrontational and make a stink, I've simply been civil and tried to stay away from this person. But this weekend they tried to make a re-entrance into my life, and they ended up crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid man.
       A yelling match ensued. Words were said... hurtful words. Words that made me wonder how I ever considered this person close to me. Words that were an insult to you, your memory, and everything I stand for.

"The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do."

-James 3:5

       I'm supposed to make amends with this person and make my way to re-include them in my life, and if I don't, I risk losing one of the people that means the most to me. Still... my heart isn't in it. I can't imagine associating with someone who would attempt to hurt me by bringing up you negatively. I wish I could talk to you about it, because you always seemed to have the answer with this kind of stuff, especially with this person.
       But I guess that's the thing... there isn't always an answer. There isn't always a right or wrong. It doesn't always make sense. Sometimes it just hurts.
       Love, Bubba

Lesson 28: It's Okay To Not Be Okay

It’s safe to say that not a single person in the family is “okay” right now. We all hurt immensely. My mom and Sandy lost their soulmates. Morgan, Logan, and Farran lost their dads. Nana and PawPaw lost their sons. And I lost my Big Dude. We can’t walk around acting like everything is fine. There are places we can’t go without breaking down. Songs we can’t hear. Movies we can’t watch. But we'll be okay.

            Things won’t always be perfect. You will experience setbacks. You’ll get your heart-broken. You’ll lose someone you care about. And it will hurt. It’ll hurt because it matters. Those people matter. Your pain matters. You’re allowed to feel and you’re allowed to say “you know what, I’m not okay.” You are allowed to be human.

“The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.”

Romans 8:18

            Losing you has taught me that I don’t have to pretend I’m okay when I’m not.

            Love, Bubba

Lesson 27: Fertilizer

       Life lately has been tough. Real tough. With you gone, life is completely different - for everyone. And some days really suck... to the point that we don't even know how we're going to get through it. Still, these last couple of weeks I've tried to remember one piece of advice in particular. When the shit hits the fan... use it as fertilizer.
       When the situation gets bad, sitting around and moping only does so much. Grieving is an absolutely necessary part of the process, but to stop living is not. You've got to keep moving, and keep fighting. And a part of that, is using the bad situation you're in to become stronger and better. Use it as fertilizer to grow.

"God doesn't waste anything. You are not defined by your past. You are prepared by your past."

       Even though you're gone, we have to keep moving. We have people to live for, and we have to make the best out of life now. You would want us to.

       Love, Bubba

Lesson 26: Keys to Success - Enjoy the Journey

     I've shared nine insightful Keys to Success this year so far. There are many more hanging in my room, but I'll just share one last key. That key is to enjoy the journey.

     To often, we speed through life. We go from one thing to the next, constantly wishing we were somewhere else. We wish we were older, that we could graduate, that we were done with college, that we were married, that we had kids, that those kids were grown, and then all of a sudden... we're in a retirement home. We rushed through all of the important things trying to get to the next stage. And we missed it.

"You are where God wants you to be at this very moment. Every experience is apart of His divine plan."

     Enjoy where you are RIGHT NOW. Stop wishing you were somewhere else. Because at some point, you're going to look back and wish that you were where you were yesterday.

     Love, Bubba

Lesson 25: Keys to Success - Be a Good Role Model

     As a big sister and the oldest cousin, being a good role model has always been something I've had to think about. You were always quick to remind me that younger eyes were watching me, and that I was supposed to be a good example for them. Yet when I saw "Be a role model for little girls" written on a Key to Success, I had to stop and think. Had I been?

"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart."

Proverbs 27:19

     Being a good role model means being a person that others look up to. To me, good role models are kind. They encourage good habits. They take care of themselves. They love their family. They keep good company.

     I found an article online that lists the Five Qualities of a Role Model as passion and ability to inspire, a clear set of values, commitment to community, selflessness and acceptance of others, and an ability to overcome obstacles. That's a lot to live up to.

     I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I curse a lot and I lose my patience way too fast. But I try. I just hope that one day, when my sisters and cousins get older, that they can say I was a good role model. You wouldn't let me be any less.

     Love, Bubba